Joker's Wild

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 7
(Originally posted January 9, 2009)

Wild card weekend lived up to it's name. If one theme went through the weekend it was one phrase that stuck with me the whole time: "You've gotta be kidding me."

Two wild card teams beat divisional champs. But it was 11-5 Miami and 10-6 Minnesota, the two divisional champs with the best records this weekend, who lost. The high-seeded wild cards lost. Chad Pennington threw 7 interceptions all season, yet Baltimore picked him off 4 times in this weekend (Somewhere, Brett Favre was laughing about that last one.) All the while, I just kept repeating, "You've gotta be kidding me."

8-8 San Diego beat the 12-4 Indianapolis Colts, who had been many people's pick for the Super Bowl. The Chargers won even though Ladainian Tomlinson had only 5 rushes. Even though Peyton Manning outpassed Philip Rivers by almost 100 yards. Even though Indianapolis had no turnovers, but San Diego coughed it up twice. Who was the biggest joke of this whole game?
The Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, that's who. That awful team somehow allowed Peyton Manning to win a Super Bowl ring. He's 7-8 in the playoffs, which is pretty tough to do, since you can win up to 4 times per postseason, but they only let you lose once. If it weren't for them, Manning would be doing 10 more Mastercard commercials a year just to pay for his psychiatric bills. "Airfare to New England: $647. Cushy massage before your play-off game: $214. A lifetime of ass-whoopings, courtesy of Tom Brady: Priceless."

One person was not joking in that game. Punter Mike Scifres was dead serious, and may have won that game. When that man's golden foot guided the pigskin, the Colts had to start their drives from the 10, 19, 3, 7, and 9 yard lines, in that order. No touchbacks, no easy drives for the Colts to start. Not even an MVP quarterback can be expected to lead drives of more than 80 and 90 yards each try. And if Darren Sproles didn't return punts and kick-offs (which racked up his total yardage ridiculously) Scifres would have been named game MVP. Once again, a punter gets screwed by a returner.

Who's been joking with us? Arizona's defense has. They ranked 16th in run defense all season, allowing 110 yards per game. They held Michael Turner, probably the most dominant back in the league this year, to 42 yards, putting all the pressure on rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. In the middle of the season, did Ken Whisenhunt call a meeting they say "Hey, we've got the play-offs locked up. You know what would be funny? If we pretended to suck." I can see Tim Hightower stand up and say, "Yeah, and I'll pretend to be a good running back so you can bench Edgerrin James, yet I'll never produce! Then he can tear up good defenses that over-prepared for Kurt Warner! It'll be hilarious!" They danced, they sang, and, oh, did the Cardinals laugh.

The Minnesota Vikings were a joke to start. Not even going there.

Looking ahead in the play-offs: Don't expect field position to help the Chargers as much against the Steelers. Both Sproles and Scifres had the games of their lives last week. The thing about those "games of your lives," is you're only allowed one.

Baltimore looked great last weekend. Ed Reed is a playmaker. Kerry Collins is not. Look out for a possible upset.

New York and Philly will be fun, but for once, can Fox elect not to announce for NFC East games? If anyone is a bigger joke than the Bears, it's Joe Buck.

And Panthers vs. Cardinals? Carolina are my NFC favorite for the Super Bowl, but those jokers in Arizona just may have an ace up their sleeve.

The Biggest Losers - Playoff Style

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 5
(Originally posted December 25, 2008)

Week 17, and we finally are at the heart of what Boston sports should always be about: performing just well enough to be in contention, but ultimately forced to root for random teams so we can make the playoffs. We've been a little spoiled the last few years with the Patriots and Celtics domination, plus the Yankees sudden decline. But for the first time in a long while, New England fans will be rooting for the New York Jets. And for the first time ever, SOMEONE will actually be rooting for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Typically, Boston sports fans have no one to blame but our teams for being in these situations. We could have won more games, performed when it mattered, not make such terrible decisions, this or that, X Y Z, etc etc. For once, we can actually blame a poorly designed system. Pending possible victories by the Patriots, Ravens, Dolphins, Chargers, and Seahawks, an 11-5 New England team could miss the play-offs, while 8-8 San Diego and Arizona head into the postseason.

"Hey, that's how the system is designed, it's just a rare fluke that will never happen again." Somewhere, Al Gore is sympathizing greatly with Patriots Nation. His fruit basket's in the mail.

So basically, Arizona and San Diego benefit from being in the two weakest divisions in football, as 6 of their 16 games are guaranteed to be against awful teams , while New England had to play in the most cutthroat division and actually have a COMPETITION for the post season. Oh, and did I mention Arizona will get a home game in the play-offs? Which is great for them, since they haven't been able to win a single game on the East Coast this season. Too bad they will be forced to go through the Meadowlands on a possible path to the Super Bowl.

The Patriots have a good reason for losing 5 games this season. Losing the MVP of the league the year before typically results in a drop-off in production. San Diego still has all their stars. Arizona has a quarterback supposedly competing for MVP, though neither he nor Drew Brees must be terribly valuable if they each only have 8 wins with one game left in the season. So what's with the showering of awards on losers? Last season the Cardinals were 8-8, and the Saints had just one less win than they have right now. What's so valuable about not improving at all?

Unproven Matt Cassel has filled in more than adequately for a future Hall of Fame quarterback. First round draft pick Matt Ryan turned the shameful Atlanta Falcons into a playoff team in his rookie season. Chad Pennington stands to possibly increase the Dolphins wins by literally 1000%, in spite of trading away former Defensive Player of the Year Jason Taylor. Those three have real value. And in these tough economic times, we know what sort of value we look for when going to the stores. Bang-for-your-buck kind of value, not "Well this satellite dish doesn't work in poor weather when I actually want to be indoors watching TV, but at least I get 4000 channels" value.

And who says Santa isn't real? Arizona and San Diego may be getting honest-to-God gifts this Christmas, while the No Fun League sticks coal in New England's stocking one more time.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And for the first (and hopefully last) time, Go Jets.