Joker's Wild

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 7
(Originally posted January 9, 2009)

Wild card weekend lived up to it's name. If one theme went through the weekend it was one phrase that stuck with me the whole time: "You've gotta be kidding me."

Two wild card teams beat divisional champs. But it was 11-5 Miami and 10-6 Minnesota, the two divisional champs with the best records this weekend, who lost. The high-seeded wild cards lost. Chad Pennington threw 7 interceptions all season, yet Baltimore picked him off 4 times in this weekend (Somewhere, Brett Favre was laughing about that last one.) All the while, I just kept repeating, "You've gotta be kidding me."

8-8 San Diego beat the 12-4 Indianapolis Colts, who had been many people's pick for the Super Bowl. The Chargers won even though Ladainian Tomlinson had only 5 rushes. Even though Peyton Manning outpassed Philip Rivers by almost 100 yards. Even though Indianapolis had no turnovers, but San Diego coughed it up twice. Who was the biggest joke of this whole game?
The Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, that's who. That awful team somehow allowed Peyton Manning to win a Super Bowl ring. He's 7-8 in the playoffs, which is pretty tough to do, since you can win up to 4 times per postseason, but they only let you lose once. If it weren't for them, Manning would be doing 10 more Mastercard commercials a year just to pay for his psychiatric bills. "Airfare to New England: $647. Cushy massage before your play-off game: $214. A lifetime of ass-whoopings, courtesy of Tom Brady: Priceless."

One person was not joking in that game. Punter Mike Scifres was dead serious, and may have won that game. When that man's golden foot guided the pigskin, the Colts had to start their drives from the 10, 19, 3, 7, and 9 yard lines, in that order. No touchbacks, no easy drives for the Colts to start. Not even an MVP quarterback can be expected to lead drives of more than 80 and 90 yards each try. And if Darren Sproles didn't return punts and kick-offs (which racked up his total yardage ridiculously) Scifres would have been named game MVP. Once again, a punter gets screwed by a returner.

Who's been joking with us? Arizona's defense has. They ranked 16th in run defense all season, allowing 110 yards per game. They held Michael Turner, probably the most dominant back in the league this year, to 42 yards, putting all the pressure on rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. In the middle of the season, did Ken Whisenhunt call a meeting they say "Hey, we've got the play-offs locked up. You know what would be funny? If we pretended to suck." I can see Tim Hightower stand up and say, "Yeah, and I'll pretend to be a good running back so you can bench Edgerrin James, yet I'll never produce! Then he can tear up good defenses that over-prepared for Kurt Warner! It'll be hilarious!" They danced, they sang, and, oh, did the Cardinals laugh.

The Minnesota Vikings were a joke to start. Not even going there.

Looking ahead in the play-offs: Don't expect field position to help the Chargers as much against the Steelers. Both Sproles and Scifres had the games of their lives last week. The thing about those "games of your lives," is you're only allowed one.

Baltimore looked great last weekend. Ed Reed is a playmaker. Kerry Collins is not. Look out for a possible upset.

New York and Philly will be fun, but for once, can Fox elect not to announce for NFC East games? If anyone is a bigger joke than the Bears, it's Joe Buck.

And Panthers vs. Cardinals? Carolina are my NFC favorite for the Super Bowl, but those jokers in Arizona just may have an ace up their sleeve.