Obligatory Brett Favre Post

The Patriot Fact has little to say about Brett Favre's continued lack of knowledge of what the word "retirement" means. Since the only possible way it affects the Patriots is if both teams end up in the Super Bowl, so we can exact revenge for Super Bowl XXXI, little comment is needed. I was stuck in a chair for an hour and a half that infamous day, and the only topic on all three channels of ESPN the whole time was Favre. So for 24/7 coverage of Brett's career statistics, memorable games, workouts, contract signings, sleeping habits, and love life, refer to them.

The only thing I can offer you that they won’t is three reasons why you shouldn't let Brett Favre into your survival party when the zombie attack comes:

1.) You can't trust Brett Favre as far as he can throw a ball at the end of the season. Which is shorter than you can throw him. So when he says, "Go run through the zombie pit to save that helpless child. Don’t worry, I’ll cover you,” do so at your own risk.

2.) On that note, holding the league record for interceptions gives me little faith in his aim. When bullets are limited, I don't want the Brett Favre style of shooting to dictate how ammo is used.

3.) If he turns into a zombie, he WILL BE that one zombie that just won't die.

While I'm sorry for just wasting 60 seconds of your life, but there is literally NOTHING I can say that won’t be repeating some news organization, as apparently every sport goes on hiatus when Brett Favre makes decisions. But at least now you know: zombies show up and Brett Favre needs a posse? Steal his Wrangler jeans for their durability, and send him on his way.

Bill Belichick – HO!

Going into the 2009-2010 season, now's the time to look back at what's happened since the Super Bowl. The Patriots made some key veteran signings, had a few interesting trades, the retirement of Rodney Harrison, and so on. All of these are certainly important and will have major effects on the franchise in the months to come. But there's this one aspect of the offseason, I just can't get it out of my head. It really has been nagging me since the draft, like a toothache, but worse. I'm aware that this was already common knowledge, but this offseason really showed that Al Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, is ****ing crazy. And Bill Belichick is on a mission to prove it, not just to everyone else, but also to Al himself.

We'll return to Bill's involvement in this shortly. But first, just as a friendly reminder, Al Davis used the 7th overall pick of the draft to take Darrius Heyward-Bay, wide receiver out of Maryland. To be nice, we'll call this one a "head-scratcher" of a pick, since he skipped two highly regarded picks in Michael Crabtree and Jeremy Maclin, and instead of trading down to get more value from his position, simply took the man with the fastest 40 time with a high pick. He was still projected to go in the second round, maybe low first at best, so we can say, "OK Al, you got your patented crazy move of the year, let's keep this draft moving."

Well after some trading around with picks, the next choice the Raiders made was Mike Mitchell, safety out of Ohio. Now, I'm not saying that guys like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay know more about drafting than some of these General Managers, because they don't. But when ESPN hasn't even gone to the trouble of collecting footage of a player, because Mel and Todd didn't think he was even draftable, either Davis has some amazing scouts, or he's lost it. Typically, I'm a big proponent of franchises not listening to the commentators, but in this rare instance, the Raiders probably would have been better off just taking the next best player on Mel's Big Board (also known as "The Detroit Lions Approach to Drafting.")

Al's always been a little "hands-on" for an owner, and I can understand why he thinks he can be. He's been a true staple in football for almost half a century. But Al, you're 80. You've successfully scared off good coaches like Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden, plus, I somehow doubt Lane Kiffen was any worse than Tom Cable. You overpaid Javon Walker, an injury prone wide out who walked around Oakland with too much bling on, and got the hell beat out of him, because someone failed to tell Javon that downtown Oakland isn't quite like downtown Green Bay or Denver. Whoops.

What do Al Davis' frequent missteps have to do with Belichick? Bill is on an honest-to-God mission to show Al just how bad a job he is doing. For the last few years, he has just loved picking up Oakland players that Davis had given up on, and trying to prove that they can play well. The Randy Moss trade speaks for itself. But in case it doesn't you've been in a coma for the last two years: Al Davis traded 1st and 7th round picks, as well as linebacker Napoleon Harris to the Vikings for Moss in 2005. Two subpar seasons later, Davis thought he was dumping an over-the-hill receiver off on the Patriots for a 4th round draft pick. Randy scored 23 TD's that following season with New England (more than twice the combined total he had over two seasons with the Raiders) and racked up just under 1,500 yards (he had just 553 the season prior). That's the most obvious example of Bill using a former Raider to make Al look bad.

In 2008, the Raiders released Lamont Jordan, who, again, Davis thought was useless. In New England's committee backfield last season, he averaged 4.5 yards per carry, and got 4 touchdowns on just 80 touches. Not feature-back worthy, but certainly useful. We traded to get receiver Doug Gabriel, and while it didn't work out too well (no help to there being no other capable wide receivers that year), Bill's penchant for Raiders has not diminished. Derrick Burgess and Andrew Walter are the newest additions, and while filling a major need at outside linebacker, Burgess has the potential to really show Davis that he needs to get his act together. Burgess had 35 sacks between 2005-2007, and, despite being on one of the league's worst teams, made the Pro Bowl twice. But Burgess wanted out of the Al Davis system, and the Pats got him on a discount. And should Walter ever be needed, Belichick is surely working on just how to make Davis realize that he and Randy Moss were more than capable of scoring touchdowns when both were wearing black and silver.

Add to this the trade made with the Raiders for straight draft picks, as we grabbed back-to-back picks to take defensive tackle Ron Brace and corner back Darius Butler. With that trade down, the Raiders took the safety Mitchell. Since we had the pick IMMEDIATELY after the Raiders would-be selection, the Patriots showed pretty significant interest in beating the Raiders to their next pick. I wonder if Davis will look back on Mitchell's career of having good 40's but sloppy tackles, and compare that with Brace's seasons of eating people whole, and wonder if he was right to trade down.

We've heard many times that Belichick is a rabid fan of football history, hence why he gave Doug Flutie the chance to make that now-famous (though completely inconsequential) drop-kick. As a student of the game, Belichick is more than aware of the contributions Davis has made to the NFL. And that would explain why he wants to make Davis look bad, so Al hangs it up before embarrassing himself even more.

And yes, he has done a lot for this game, though that's easy to forget lately. Al Davis was the first Raiders coach to have a winning season in 1963, his rookie campaign. Since transitioning to being owner/general manager in 1967, the Raiders have won their division 13 times, won 3 Super Bowls and 1 AFL Championship, as well as made them one of two teams to be in a Super Bowl in 4 different decades. Davis hired the first Latino coach (Tom Flores) in 1979, the second African American coach (Art Shell) in 1989, and made Amy Trask president of the Raiders, the highest position a woman had ever held in the NFL.

Al Davis should be remembered as a major part of this league. But for the better part of this decade, Al Davis has been a joke, impatiently firing coaches, overpaying players, and annoying the hell out of said players and coaches with his constant meddling. Instead of being remembered for his contributions and making the Raiders a team to beat, he's becoming a villain to his own fans by turning the Raiders into a joke. This is how I will remember Davis:

As Mumm-Ra from the Thundercats. A spell-casting villain, able to extend his own lifetime, yet unable to beat a bunch of kitties. That sounds, and looks, like Al Davis to me. Davis is adamant that he will not retire until the Raiders win two more Super Bowls, or he dies. Well Oakland, at least you can look forward to more draft picks like speedy Darrius Heyward-Bay and fatty JaMarcus Russell for the next 50 years. Just pray that Bill Belichick, the man you all despise for the so-called “Snow Job,” can be your Lion-O and convince Al Davis to hang it up before Oakland becomes the second team to go 0-16.

THE PATRIOT FACT BEGINS

This is probably the first blog to officially begin with its 13th post, but as Batman Begins showed, sometimes its best to simply start all over. I started writing pointless commentary on football with a Patriotic perspective last year for Gang Green TV. Turns out what began as what I thought would be a "Oh yeah, man, sounds cool, I'll totally do that...until I get bored and lazy 2 weeks in" sort of commitment, ended up being pretty fun.

So while I'll continue my affiliation with the guys at Gang Green, I'll keep a handy record of my belligerence here. Also, "Pinheads or Patriots" was a working title name that stuck, so here I am in Season 2 with "The Patriot Fact."

This is the point where a blogger tells you what to expect, how often the updates will come, basically why you should ever look at this again. I promise nothing.

Except that I love football, and often have something pretty ignorant to say about it. So below, you can find all my posts from last year. Above will be my attempt at two years of commitment.

One month to the regular season. And I hear some guy named Tom Brady is playing for the Patriots this season. He's supposed to be pretty okay.

Seriously this time, are we Pinheads?

Pinheads or Patriots?

(Originally posted March 10, 2009)

Bill Belichick is the sort of head coach that is so smart, he has you scratching your head all the time, but you’re smiling with the end result. There are times when Patriots fans have wondered if he's making a bad decision. When he committed to Tom Brady in the Super Bowl over a fully recovered Drew Bledsoe, some questioned. When the likes of Lawyer Milloy and Ty Law were allowed to leave because of salary issues, most doubted. The fact that Matt Cassel was even still on the roster after this last preseason was too much for some. But our head-scratching is always put to rest.

Then came the trade of the 34th overall pick in the 2009 draft for Cassel and Mike Vrabel. That’s quite the going-away present for Scott Pioli. Normally, I would trust the Belichick way, knowing we somehow got the better end of the deal, but that new Chiefs GM knows what he’s doing too. A lot of nasty rumors are out there about Belichick keeping promises to Pioli, but let’s get over playground politics and talk some actual football, people.

There are obvious downsides to this deal. The hottest free agent this year went for essentially half of a second round draft choice. We lost a strong leader on our defense, a direct blow to an oft-injured linebacking corps. Perhaps the biggest blow came when reports leaked that we could have had the Bronco’s first round pick, so long as Tampa Bay traded them for Jay Cutler. That’s obviously pretty conditional on the Bucs, but even if something wasn’t worked out, the Patriots could have milked the situation just a little more to see if they could get that first rounder.

What could have been going through Bill’s mind? Football talks a lot about that “clock inside your head” that counts down for a quarterback. That was what was going on for the Patriots brass, only this clock was about the salary cap. As of the day before free agency started, the Patriots had the second least amount of cap room to work with, just $3.2 million. It was estimated that New England would need about $10 million to sign their free agents and Draft picks, and we had some serious holes to fill. Here’s some of the notable contracts that ran up: FB Heath Evans, WR Jabar Gaffney, S Rodney Harrison, LB Junior Seau, P Chris Hanson, RB LaMont Jordan.

When you talk about aspects of the Patriots dynasty that have resulted in success, what comes to mind first? Tom Brady? Bill Belichick? Perhaps defense? The most overlooked aspect, but one of the most valuable parts, is how we manage Robert Kraft’s checkbook year-to-year, and part of that has to do with foresight. Want to know who the free agents will be in 2010? Mike Vrabel, Vince Wilfork, Richard Seymour, Kevin Faulk, Logan Mankins, Stephen Gostkowski and Tedy Bruschi. Wilfork is going to take precedence over the rest, and will come with a big price tag. Seymour, Mankins and Gostkowski are serious keepers, and also hold a high price tag. But next year, would we have gone to the same lengths to keep Vrabel, Bruschi and Faulk as the rest of them? No. Pinning a “C” a player’s uniform doesn’t always mean they’re worth the big bucks…sorry ‘Tek.

With his clock ticking, Belichick knew he needed cap room fast to make room for guys like RB Fred Taylor, WR Greg Lewis, CB Shawn Springs. In case you hadn’t notice, we needed a good running back, a solid third wideout, and THANK YOU LORD WE ACTUALLY WENT AFTER A CORNBERBACK. Not to mention re-signing safety James Sanders and punter Chris Hanson. All of which are official, just a week into free agency, unlike the snails-pace of last year. If we let Cassel sit too long, Pioli could have ended up playing hardball and claim he’d wait until the draft for a franchise quarterback. And Tampa could have chickened out on the deal, leaving us stuck for too long with a toxic asset.

Does this help me sleep at night? No. Not at all. I haven’t slept in days. I toss and turn each night, with nightmares, hearing over and over, “And with the 13^th pick of the 2009 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots pick…Cap’N Crunch, University of Iowa.” Or some other terrible out of shape cartoon character. Maybe I have issues. Either way, It still infuriates me, because this is typical boring Belichick. He’s all brains and no fun. First round picks are fun.

I will console you with one rationale, though. Keep in mind that we would have been trading within the AFC. Which team would you rather share a conference with; a Cassel-led Kansas City Chiefs, or a Cassel-led/McDaniels-coached Denver Broncos?

If the Broncos were able to end our playoff run with Jake “The Snake” Plummer, I’d rather we would stick Matt on a team whose best player is their Tight End. Because believe me, that’s never a good sign.

One Great Game

Pinheads or Patriots?

(Originally posted February 5, 2009)

Super Bowl XLIII was best explained not by the commentators, the post-game interviews, or Monday Morning Quarterbacks around the country. Football as a whole was summed up by a great modern mind where we least expected one to emerge. We saw his philosophy when Kurt Warner, stumbling all over himself, somehow tossed up a perfect touchdown pass to Ben Patrick. We saw it when James Harrison stepped in front of a pass before anyone could even see where the ball was going. This principle was well seen when Larry Fitzgerald leapt into the air and pulled down what would be an impossible touchdown catch for just about anyone else, or when everyone knew he was going in the end zone when he caught ball with 63 more yards to run. And Santonio Holmes summed it up when he won the game with what will (hopefully, to Patriots fans) be the best remembered catch in Super Bowl history.

Yes, the ultimate statement explaining football was made last night by the Miller High Life man: All you need is just one second.

That's all it takes to turn a game around, defensively, offensively, or specially. And Super Bowl XLIII was played for every second it was worth. With the lone exception of probably Hines Ward, every player in that game lived up to what was hyped about them. And in the case of Santonio Holmes stepping up, it was the un-hyped factor that caught the game by surprise to win it all. Warner, Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Edgerrin James, and Darnell Dockett certainly lived up to hype. But the Steeler defense showed up for the game changing 100 yard interception return, as defensive MVP's sometimes can do. This was a game of memorable moments, without a doubt. Easily the best Patriots-Free Super Bowl in over a decade.

We can go through every play that went the Steeler's way to say why they won, and vice versa as to why the Cardinals lost, but football won this year. The Cardinals played a game worth watching when many wrote them off as the joke they so often have been. The Steelers put on a performance that could keep that headset on Mike Tomlin's head for a great long time to come. Hats off to both teams, but moreso, thanks. Thanks for a great game, and especially thanks for getting people to already begin to stop talking about that nightmare last year. It only takes one second to make history, but it takes a great deal of Miller High Life to forget history.

Tampa Bound

Blog X

(Originally posted January 20, 2009)

The Super Bowl XLIII matchup is a bit of a surprise. The Arizona Cardinals are resembling Michael Myers, they just keep getting back up even when they should die. Many counted them out of the playoffs from the start, since, well, they're the Arizona Cardinals. This is a franchise famous for only two things: being featured in "Jerry Maguire," and blowing a 20-point lead in 2006 to the Chicago Bears (who, apparently, were who the Cardinals thought they were.) Yet, many people forget that they were in "Jerry Maguire." That is a true testament to the fame of the Arizona Cardinals.

The Steelers are not so surprising, but they did fly low on the radar under the Titans and the Colts. They have the best defense in the league, and that can apparently win you a game or two. Ben Roethlisberger is an impressive athlete, who I will always remember as being the only person with broad enough shoulders to actually fit a name like "Roethlisberger" on the back of his jersey (Houshmandzadeh does not fit nearly as suavely, no offense T.J.) But the thing that truly makes the Steelers not so surprising is their overall record as a historical franchise. They're currently tied with the 49ers and Cowboys for most Super Bowl wins at 5 apiece. The Cardinals have never even reached an NFC Championship game before this season. But sports have evolved in the last 43 years since the Super Bowl got going, underdogs can now be something to be feared.

We live in a world where Appalachian State beat Michigan, Boise State beat Oklahoma, 14-point underdog New England beat the St. Louis Rams, the Red Sox came back from a 3 game deficit to beat the New York Yankees and go to the World Series, George Mason made the NCAA Final Four over some of the greatest college basketball programs in the country, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura won a contest that did not have a fixed outcome to become a legitimate United States Governor. Things are different. Underdog wins may still be few and far between, but are not a total rarity.

Almost more importantly to mention than underdogs, terrible franchises can win. To date, only 18 of the 32 NFL franchises have Super Bowl Trophies. In the last 11 Super Bowls, 5 teams won their franchises' first Super Bowl : Denver Broncos, St. Louis Rams, Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6 have won, if you count the Indianapolis Colts, as I'm sure few Indy fans really care that the Baltimore Colts won Super Bowl V, 13 years before coming to their city). The old school favorites are struggling. Of those three teams tied for most Super Bowl victories, only Pittsburgh has a trophy (let alone an APPEARANCE) out of the last dozen Super Bowls. Consider the number of franchises that are considered jokes at the beginning of a season. Then consider the franchises that are perennially considered jokes at the beginning of each season. The Arizona Cardinals are certainly among those. While the Patriots are now considered one of the best teams, we were a joke before 2001. The Buccaneers were the joke of countless seasons.

The Buccaneers are an interesting franchise to bring up in this same breath as the Cardinals. Their lone Super Bowl victory came when Jon Gruden swashbuckled his coaching allegiances from the Raiders to the Buccaneers, and the two teams met in the Super Bowl in his first season as Tampa Bay's head coach. He picked apart Raiders quarterback Rich Ganon, as the Buccaneers pillaged and plundered Oakland for all it was worth, while Al Davis started listing the various ways he could sink his franchise down to Davy Jones' Locker without anyone's help. Simply, they did not stand a chance with Gruden on the other side of the field, as he knew the Oakland offense inside and out, as some members of that Raiders squad have since stated.

The coach of the Cardinals, Ken Whisenhunt, was a pretty successful offensive coordinator for three years before taking his current job. In his first season, he helped lead a rookie quarterback to winning all 13 of the games he started, and being the first AFC team to win 15 games in a season. In his second season as offensive coordinator, he won the Super Bowl. Not too shabby. He was coordinator for some team named the Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe you've heard somebody mention them recently? Whisenhunt will break out every single old note he has on Roethlisberger, Willie Parker, Hines Ward, and the entire offensive line to win this game.

No win is certain after last year's Super Bowl. People who are acting like the Steelers winning is guaranteed are delusional. I thought I could guarantee the Cardinals wouldn't get through the first, second, and third games of the playoffs. Apparently, I was delusional. Ken Whisenhunt helped mold Big Ben into the quarterback he is today, and he's not so far removed from the system that we can rule out him pulling a Jon Gruden. The one thing that is certain: The Cardinals are NOT who we thought they were. The only uncertainty: Will the Steelers let them off the hook?

One Round Left

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 9

(Originally posted January 17th, 2009)

I would make a rather poor psychic. My Super Bowl picks of Indianapolis and Carolina both lost their first games of the postseason. To the thousands of you who placed bets based upon my expert analysis, I apologize. But many of these games had bright sides for New England fans.

Eli Manning is going home. Peyton already choked on his fruit salad. Bill Parcells got to buy the groceries this year, but he's not invited to dinner. Yet, Patriots Nation held it breath until Sunday night, as one team we could not stand to win remained. And whose fault is it they were still standing?

Sorry. My bad. Six weeks ago, I made some lame crack in this column about how Philip Rivers had cursed the Patriots, yet had no control over his own team that could finish 8-8 at best. Well, I blew it. I committed the dreaded Inadvertent Reverse-Jinx, as the Chargers then won out the rest of their season. I was pretty terrified they might make it to the championship. But in my favor was the losing streak of high-seeded teams over the last 5 years. How did this hurt the low-seeded Chargers?

Pittsburgh had the 2 seed, which apparently hurts them. But the Chargers already had my Inadvertent Reverse-Jinx. Science class taught us with fun magnets that two positives repel, thus, these two supernatural reasons to win cancelled each other out, dooming the Chargers.
Don't believe me?

Good. Because the truth is, you don't need hocus pocus to explain that game, the Chargers were just a bad team. You know the old saying, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" In that sentence, the Steelers were both the unstoppable force and the immovable object, while the Chargers were the innocent bystander that gets rolled over without a chance. They were lucky that their first opponent in the playoffs have choked more than any team in the last decade.

As for the other games, the Ravens looked very impressive on the road against the Titans. But possibly lacking Terrell Suggs and Samari Rolle, that dominant defense might let up a few big plays.

The Eagles are making a case, despite an unspectacular performance by Brian Westbrook. It doesn't hurt that Asante Samuel is one of the most dominant postseason defensive backs in history.

I am still in shock that Arizona developed a defense. If this isn't a 2 week fluke, the Cardinals might reach their first Super Bowl. The curse of the Pottsville Pennsylvanians, one of the last great sports curses, may be shattered.

But I put my faith in Pottsville. It took 86 years to break the curse of one man, the curse by an entire city should last a few hundred, minimum. Morseso, I base my assumption on the smack-down Philly gave to the Giants, I think they can figure out the sudden resurgent Arizona defense.

My new Super Bowl pick is the Steelers vs. the Eagles. Do I care who goes? Nah. There's no particular bad blood left over with the four remaining teams and the Patriots. I'm just looking for a good game now. But based upon my picks, if you're a smart gambler, maybe you should just place your bets on a Baltimore-Arizona Super Bowl.

For Boston, For Boston, We Sink Our Season Down the Drain

Pinheads or Patriots? College Special
(Originally posted January 9, 2009)

Tell a Boston College fan that their athletic program will have a headline on the ESPN web page. Tell them. Really, give it a whirl. Someone that goes to BC games drunk and barely pays attention will probably say, "You're damn right! BC RULES!" Someone who actually enjoys BC athletics and follows actual sports is probably smart enough to say, "Nah. You're full of it...Wait, really? And it's not hockey finals season?"

This is not to diminish the accomplishments of Boston College at all. I love BC athletics. I've had football season tickets for five straight years, and Coach Jerry York once invited me into the locker room to meet the players for my support of the hockey team. But those experiences gave me perspective on how all of the city feels about the major college program in the area. BC has a weak and disloyal fan-base that cares more for the Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots. The week leading up to the Gaylords Hotel Music City Bowl (yeah, I know, I know), WBZ News highlighted the three big stories in Boston sports at the time : the Patriots season ending, the Celtics winning, and that Red Sox spring training was just 43 days away.

Yet this week, I opened the ESPN homepage to find not one, but TWO headlines featuring BC on the main page. Eagles basketball defeated #1 ranked North Carolina, and football head coach Jeff Jagodzinski was coveting thy neighbor's head coaching job. A rather bittersweet combination.

I'm sure most of the nation has heard more than they care to listen about this situation with Coach Jags interviewing for the New York Jets vacancy, resulting in his job being threatened, and then terminated. If you'd like the position of an Eagle's fan, I can give you two. One is that of the aforementioned tailgating drunkard, who will spit on Coach Jags' name and curse the day they ever tried to pronounce his name. (Reasonable fans are, understandably, upset as well.) My position?

Athletic Director Gene DeFilippo needs help. Not just coaching help, but psychological help. He lost a great college coach in Tom O'Brien just two years ago. Coach Jags came in and gave BC football its best season in history with O'Brien's leftovers, got the team ranked #2 in the country for a couple weeks, then made quarterback Matt Ryan into a Heisman candidate and the first quarterback picked in the draft. And Gene gets jealous that Jags is making googly eyes across the street? He's lucky to be able to say that Boston College can get GREAT coaches. New England should be bull that BC gave Giants coach Tom Coughlin his start.

Jagodzinski had his own reputation to look out for. If you never saw the man, imagine a basket-full of puppies riding a rainbow all the way to Disney World. He's happier than that. He undoubtedly was optimistic about his first head coaching job, ready to make BC even better than it already was. And he did. But then he started recruiting.

BC is a great football school. It gets very good athletes, and makes many of them better. But it does not get great athletes to start with. No matter how great a coach may be, names of an institution carry much more weight. Those pearly whites Jeff flashed would never lure a good running back away from USC, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, or just about any other top 20 team.

Quarterback Chris Crane, who was hated at the start of the season by fans, but sorely missed after he went down with a broken collarbone, is graduating. Freshman QB Dominique Davis successfully ended BC's bowl game win streak, which had been the longest in the nation. The Eagles defense was one of the top rated in the country, but the majority of the players were seniors, with Mark Herzlich and B.J. Raji expected to go in the first round of the NFL Draft. Though he had two heralded years, Jags knew the honeymoon was over, and he was going to get crushed with his poor recruiting classes. He was going to lose next season. A lot. His coaching reputation would be sullied, and there was nothing he could do about it. BC's name just couldn't pull in the players he needed.

I'm not happy he's gone. But loyalty means little in today's job market. I've heard a lot of people say "Well, this is how sports are, coaches jump ship all the time," and that's no defense. The fact is, ALL JOBS are like that these days, not just coaching. Dennis and Callahan can rip Jags a new one on WEEI for leaving, but the fact is that if ESPN came looking for a couple new hosts for SportsCenter, I doubt they'd turn down the interview because of their contracts to an AM radio station in Boston. I may have a good relationship with my boss, but if there's a job with more prestige, more money, and my current job will hurt my reputation if I keep it, I'd take a risk too. Coach a college program that's looking like it will go under, or take the shot at an NFL Head Coaching job that actually had a winning record? As an American living in a capitalist world, can you blame Jagodzinski? Hell, it's a win-win for him too, because BC still has to pay him.

DeFilippo should have realized that only a handful of good candidates would jump at this job. BC does not have the financial support to buy out a contract, while still picking up a good coach. I'll call it now that Frank Spaziani, current defensive coordinator will get the job. Because he'll be cheap, loyal, and probably deserved the job in the first place. But if Gene DeFilippo thinks firing the head coach in the middle of recruiting season made him look more like a man, then fit the man for his bigger jock strap. But how do you feel now Gene? How do you feel? Right. Now. Like an idiot? Like an already screwed program just shot itself in the foot? Is a newly appointed, former defensive coordinator, going to be able to convince a high school quarterback that BC can develop him into a star? Jags could say that, touting Matty Ice in his resume, and it didn't hurt he led Brett Favre as an offensive coordinator. But unless you pick a washed-up former success like Denny Green that's completely desperate for a job, nobody will do better. You should have just trusted that he wouldn't get the job, and continue on with the season. But alas, Frank Spaziani should end up with a promotion.

If I could sum up why this was a bad idea by BC, it would be one sentiment: When a recruit can't pronounce a head coach's name, Jeff Jags sounds like a much cooler nickname than Franky Spaz.

Joker's Wild

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 7
(Originally posted January 9, 2009)

Wild card weekend lived up to it's name. If one theme went through the weekend it was one phrase that stuck with me the whole time: "You've gotta be kidding me."

Two wild card teams beat divisional champs. But it was 11-5 Miami and 10-6 Minnesota, the two divisional champs with the best records this weekend, who lost. The high-seeded wild cards lost. Chad Pennington threw 7 interceptions all season, yet Baltimore picked him off 4 times in this weekend (Somewhere, Brett Favre was laughing about that last one.) All the while, I just kept repeating, "You've gotta be kidding me."

8-8 San Diego beat the 12-4 Indianapolis Colts, who had been many people's pick for the Super Bowl. The Chargers won even though Ladainian Tomlinson had only 5 rushes. Even though Peyton Manning outpassed Philip Rivers by almost 100 yards. Even though Indianapolis had no turnovers, but San Diego coughed it up twice. Who was the biggest joke of this whole game?
The Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, that's who. That awful team somehow allowed Peyton Manning to win a Super Bowl ring. He's 7-8 in the playoffs, which is pretty tough to do, since you can win up to 4 times per postseason, but they only let you lose once. If it weren't for them, Manning would be doing 10 more Mastercard commercials a year just to pay for his psychiatric bills. "Airfare to New England: $647. Cushy massage before your play-off game: $214. A lifetime of ass-whoopings, courtesy of Tom Brady: Priceless."

One person was not joking in that game. Punter Mike Scifres was dead serious, and may have won that game. When that man's golden foot guided the pigskin, the Colts had to start their drives from the 10, 19, 3, 7, and 9 yard lines, in that order. No touchbacks, no easy drives for the Colts to start. Not even an MVP quarterback can be expected to lead drives of more than 80 and 90 yards each try. And if Darren Sproles didn't return punts and kick-offs (which racked up his total yardage ridiculously) Scifres would have been named game MVP. Once again, a punter gets screwed by a returner.

Who's been joking with us? Arizona's defense has. They ranked 16th in run defense all season, allowing 110 yards per game. They held Michael Turner, probably the most dominant back in the league this year, to 42 yards, putting all the pressure on rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. In the middle of the season, did Ken Whisenhunt call a meeting they say "Hey, we've got the play-offs locked up. You know what would be funny? If we pretended to suck." I can see Tim Hightower stand up and say, "Yeah, and I'll pretend to be a good running back so you can bench Edgerrin James, yet I'll never produce! Then he can tear up good defenses that over-prepared for Kurt Warner! It'll be hilarious!" They danced, they sang, and, oh, did the Cardinals laugh.

The Minnesota Vikings were a joke to start. Not even going there.

Looking ahead in the play-offs: Don't expect field position to help the Chargers as much against the Steelers. Both Sproles and Scifres had the games of their lives last week. The thing about those "games of your lives," is you're only allowed one.

Baltimore looked great last weekend. Ed Reed is a playmaker. Kerry Collins is not. Look out for a possible upset.

New York and Philly will be fun, but for once, can Fox elect not to announce for NFC East games? If anyone is a bigger joke than the Bears, it's Joe Buck.

And Panthers vs. Cardinals? Carolina are my NFC favorite for the Super Bowl, but those jokers in Arizona just may have an ace up their sleeve.

Let's Talk About Commitment. No, Not The Lame Budweiser Commercial Kind.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode Six
(Originally posted January 2, 2009)

Oh, the plethora of topics to discuss after the regular season ends. Play-offs. Teams who deserve to make it, teams who don't. Will Brett Favre retire? Who's going to win the Super Bowl? Will Brett Favre un-retire, even though he's completely overrated? All fantastic topics of conversation this time of year. Which is exactly why you should listen to an active conversation, and not just my opinion. For that, watch the Football Special by Gang Green and myself. Patriots off-season has begun, and the Patriots have their own questions to answer, having nothing to do with play-offs or Brett Favre. A certain you-know-who went down early in the season, and the team managed to do pretty well without him. Who will be lining up behind that offensive line in 2009 for the Patriots?

Yes, I'm talking about Laurence Maroney.

Patriots fans are not known for their extensive attention spans, as some seem to think that trading away Tom Brady (one year removed from one of the greatest seasons of all time) is a good idea. "What have you done for me lately" is an understatement, as many would rather pull out their calendars and count the days until Red Sox spring training starts than stretch their minds back to what players have done before. Problem is, Maroney hasn't done much of anything to endear himself with fans.

Only 3 of the last 10 seasons have had a Patriots rusher over 1000 yards: Corey Dillon in 2004 with 1635, Antowain Smith in 2001 with 1157, and Robert Edwards in 1998 with 1115. Two of those years, the Pats won the Super Bowl, so it doesn't seem to hurt to be able to run the ball. Maroney has had flashes of greatness, especially when he and Corey Dillon split carries in 2006. But injuries have plagued the short career of the 23-year-old, begging the question of how much room in the salary cap he's worth.

This year, 6 of the top 7 rushing offenses in the league made the play-offs. The lone team that didn't make it was the Patriots. But the fact the Patriots rank that highly is a testament to the fact that Maroney is replaceable, especially since an undrafted rookie off the practice squad was starter at one point. We have also learned that drafting running backs in the first round results in little success for the Patriots (Edwards was also a first rounder, but nearly had his leg amputated after a devastating knee injury in a flag football game, never touching the field for the Pats again after his rookie season).

Looking at the top rushing offenses this year shows an interesting way to address the problem. Every season, teams hope to have that one special back that can tear up offenses every week. But this year showed that running back by committee can have real success. Many years, analysts would point out how using two running backs hinders development and doesn't allow a runner to get into rhythm, but many teams succeeded this year. The number one rushing offense in the league, the New York Giants, featured a One-Two-Three punch system, pounding defenses into the ground with Brandon Jacobs, softening them up for Derrick Ward and Ahmad Bradshaw.

Carolina had tried the committee system with DeAngelo Williams before, mixing him up with DeShaun Foster. But using Jonathan Stewart instead this year changed the pace, lighting a fire underneath Williams for a 1515 yard season, and the two backs creating the third best rushing offense in the league.

Baltimore showed a truly unique rush offense that ended up having the fullback Le'Ron McClain as the leading rusher with 902 yards. Add a dash of Willis McGahee and Ray Rice at 671 and 454 yards respectively, and the fourth best rushing offense found a recipe that needed no 1,000 yard rushers.

The Titans and Dolphins ran their way to the play-offs with fearsome duos in their backfields as well, while the Patriots hit a strong stride at the end of the season with Sammy Morris and Lamont Jordan. The only truly dominant rushers that didn't much need help were Michael Turner in Atlanta, Adrian Peterson in Minnesota, and Clinton Portis in Washington. But what sort of longevity does a running back face these days without taking some reps off?

Look back at the last few years of stand-out rushers. Shaun Alexander went from 1,880 yards and 27 TD's in 2005 to 896 yards and 7 TD's the next. Let's not even talk bout where he is now, Seattle fans still cry themselves to sleep at night over it. The Bucs drove Cadillac Williams until the tires blew out, rims burnt down, and then continued running until the axel smashed in half. Fred Taylor, Joseph Addai, Larry Johnson, Edgerrin James, and most obviously this season, Ladainian Tomlinson, all have had anemic performances as of late. If you consider running backs as investments, which they truly are, taking care of them just makes sense, and in today's NFL, we are seeing a shift towards successful split-back systems.

Patriots fans would love to go back to the Curtis Martin years, with three straight seasons of more than 1000 yards, but we need to worry more about winning games than having a single threat in the backfield. Maroney was supposed to be that answer. Belichick ran with Sammy Morris and Lamont Jordan extremely well, not because he originally schemed that, but because he had to with his starter going down. It's 2009 now, and it's time to start looking at a new offense. It should be a multi-back offense from the start, it's clearly working around the league. Design plays for different dynamic backs. Get a younger version of Kevin Faulk late in the draft, and consider saving some cap room by hitting the eject button on Maroney.

Times are tough, Laurence. If you want a paycheck signed by Robert Kraft next season, your New Years Resolution should be to stay healthy. And lose a couple pounds while you're at it. We wouldn't want all that time spent on the couch to show, now would we?

The Biggest Losers - Playoff Style

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 5
(Originally posted December 25, 2008)

Week 17, and we finally are at the heart of what Boston sports should always be about: performing just well enough to be in contention, but ultimately forced to root for random teams so we can make the playoffs. We've been a little spoiled the last few years with the Patriots and Celtics domination, plus the Yankees sudden decline. But for the first time in a long while, New England fans will be rooting for the New York Jets. And for the first time ever, SOMEONE will actually be rooting for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Typically, Boston sports fans have no one to blame but our teams for being in these situations. We could have won more games, performed when it mattered, not make such terrible decisions, this or that, X Y Z, etc etc. For once, we can actually blame a poorly designed system. Pending possible victories by the Patriots, Ravens, Dolphins, Chargers, and Seahawks, an 11-5 New England team could miss the play-offs, while 8-8 San Diego and Arizona head into the postseason.

"Hey, that's how the system is designed, it's just a rare fluke that will never happen again." Somewhere, Al Gore is sympathizing greatly with Patriots Nation. His fruit basket's in the mail.

So basically, Arizona and San Diego benefit from being in the two weakest divisions in football, as 6 of their 16 games are guaranteed to be against awful teams , while New England had to play in the most cutthroat division and actually have a COMPETITION for the post season. Oh, and did I mention Arizona will get a home game in the play-offs? Which is great for them, since they haven't been able to win a single game on the East Coast this season. Too bad they will be forced to go through the Meadowlands on a possible path to the Super Bowl.

The Patriots have a good reason for losing 5 games this season. Losing the MVP of the league the year before typically results in a drop-off in production. San Diego still has all their stars. Arizona has a quarterback supposedly competing for MVP, though neither he nor Drew Brees must be terribly valuable if they each only have 8 wins with one game left in the season. So what's with the showering of awards on losers? Last season the Cardinals were 8-8, and the Saints had just one less win than they have right now. What's so valuable about not improving at all?

Unproven Matt Cassel has filled in more than adequately for a future Hall of Fame quarterback. First round draft pick Matt Ryan turned the shameful Atlanta Falcons into a playoff team in his rookie season. Chad Pennington stands to possibly increase the Dolphins wins by literally 1000%, in spite of trading away former Defensive Player of the Year Jason Taylor. Those three have real value. And in these tough economic times, we know what sort of value we look for when going to the stores. Bang-for-your-buck kind of value, not "Well this satellite dish doesn't work in poor weather when I actually want to be indoors watching TV, but at least I get 4000 channels" value.

And who says Santa isn't real? Arizona and San Diego may be getting honest-to-God gifts this Christmas, while the No Fun League sticks coal in New England's stocking one more time.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And for the first (and hopefully last) time, Go Jets.

Being Paid Money To Have More Points Than The Other Guy. Sometimes.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 4
(Originally posted December 18, 2008)

The Arena Football League has suspended its 2009 season. Football fans should care about as much as they care about the release date of the next installment in the scintillating "NFL Head Coach" video game franchise. So while that announcement takes up entire articles on ESPN, it warrants only one sentence in this column. This week, the Head Coach game is almost more relevant.

Resumes are being updated. Approval ratings are at record lows worse than George Bush's, the only difference is that if an Iraqi reporter hurled his shoes at Romeo Crennel, he would probably be the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns the next week.

Last week on the Gang Green, Dave touched on how fluid coaching jobs are throughout sports, and with the exception of the playoffs, that's exactly what the big topic is for the NFL now. If there is any one lesson that pro sports teaches, it's that when things are going horribly wrong, fire somebody so it looks like it was all their fault. And right now, it's that point in the season where announcers use the words "Hot" and "Seat" a lot when head coaches names are in play. So which coaches are deserving of patience, and which are wastes of time? And what dictates a "safe" job? It seems like each year, losing franchises and playoff teams alike are abound with rumors.

Bill Belichick's seat is ice cold. Though he's only been sitting since 2000, it makes him the longest tenured Patriots coach in history. He has the most wins (91, in second is Mike Holovak with 52), and highest winning percentage (.771, with a surprising second place of Pete Carroll at .562), as well as the most play-off games won (14, nearly 5 times the next nearest). In retrospect, it's easy to see how great of an asset Belichick has been. But Robert Kraft showed true trust and patience in the Belichick system, as Kraft gave the job to a coach with a 36-44 record in Cleveland over 5 seasons, and stuck with Bill through his lackluster first season with the Patriots.

While that trust and patience paid off for Billy, it hasn't been handed down to his protégés. After a "Coach of the Year" performance last year, Romeo Crennel is as good as gone in Cleveland. Eric Mangini reportedly may be out of New York, even if the Jets still make the playoffs. And Charlie Weis at Notre Dame? The Catholic clergy in South Bend, Indiana have most likely already condemned him to the worst layers of Hell. Coaching football is a fickle business, and your likelihood of employment is week to week.

Trust pays off for some franchises, sure. But there are a few coaches in the NFL worth debating if they can pay off. This week's prime candidate for a pink slip is Dick Jauron in Buffalo. With an upset of the New York Jets easily in hand, he had the dumbest quarterback in the world roll out on a play action pass, fumbling the ball for a touchdown in the other direction, classic J.P. Losman. While some teams fire coaches mid-season, Buffalo had such faith in their coach that they actually decided to give a three-year contract extension to Jauron back when the Bills were 5-2, and favorites to win the AFC East. Jauron thanked management for their generosity by going 1-7 since signing that new contract. Apparently even coaches perform better in contract years.

Jauron may only keep his job because Buffalo would be too embarrassed to fire him, but why is Marvin Lewis' job apparently safe in Cincinnati? The Bengals are 2-11-1. Granted, patience pays off in the cases of some coaches, but they typically have a good plan for a team. Lewis' plan is apparently to start drafting from federal prisons instead of Division I colleges. And as if this season wasn't miserable enough, since 2003 when Lewis took over, the Bengals have only gone ONE season winning more than 50% of their games. (Or, for those of you working with the Chad Johnson numerical system; UNO season winning more than CINCO-CERO PERCENTO).

Kansas City is going to need some wooden stakes to fire their coach, because Herm Edwards is a vampire. He takes over veteran teams from great coaches like Bill Parcells and Dick Vermeil, sucks all the wins out of them, gets most of their stars injured, and gets paid for all of it. Dear Chiefs: I can easily drive a team into the ground for you too, but you won't have to trade a 4th round draft pick to get me (which the Jets used to get Leon Washington, so thanks a lot Kansas City).

Some other quick coaching notes: No one talks as much about Jack Del Rio, but that man should be canned. The Jaguars are a mess this season having let their defensive coordinator go so he could completely turn around Atlanta, exposing Del Rio as a total fraud.

Mike Singeltary is the best interim head coach, and should be applauded for actually having the sack to tell Mike Martz who the real 49ers coach is.

The Packers are the best 5-9 team in NFL history, and while McCarthy may be inaugurating Aaron Rodgers to a great career, life lessons dictate that someone has to get fired when seasons fall apart.

The combined salaries of every single member of the Detroit Lions organization would be better served as a bailout for the auto industry. If you can't win one game, you shouldn't get a paycheck. If he doesn't get one win, Rod Marinelli will be the most fired coach in the history. So fired that correct grammar does not apply when speaking about him.

Yet what comfort can any of these coaches have that winning can save them? Last season, there was talk of Tom Coughlin being fired in New York during every broadcast of a Giants game. Including the playoffs. It wasn't until they were in the Super Bowl that it seemed like anyone was even fathoming that Coughlin MIGHT be keeping his job. It was so commonplace for his job to be at stake that I thought the painfully angry and impatient look on Coughlin's face had something to do with a constantly oncoming lay-off. This year I learned he's just a very unfortunate looking man.

In all of these franchises, perhaps it all just comes down to ownership. There are patient owners, and some that wants to put in the orders for Super Bowl rings ASAP. Robert Kraft was willing to let Bill Belichick, a failure in Cleveland, take his time and mold the Patriots into a dynasty. Bi-polar Jerry Jones will fire good coaches who have winning seasons, and hire someone with the exact opposite coaching style, hoping it results in a Super Bowl within two years. Al Davis is secretly Mum-Ra from the Thundercats, with an evil plot to drive Oakland fans insane by hiring and firing anything that moves. That is, if Oakland fans can be any more insane than they already are.

Coaches will often take whatever open job comes along, but maybe holding out for that patient owner is in their best interest. Jeff Fisher has had a few poor seasons for the Oilers/Titans franchise, but is looking good this season. Bill Cowher lost in nine different postseasons before winning Super Bowl XL, and now he's the most in-demand coach there is. But Marty Schottenheimer didn't get quite the same exit from the Chargers organization, after posting a 14-2 regular season record, they let him go for losing in his 13th postseason (basically, he's the A-Rod of coaching).

Owners will hopefully give some guys a chance this season, but as for ones like Crennel, Edwards and Marinelli, well, the Arena Football League is always hiring.

Oh, wait. IT ISN'T. Maybe the three of them should try to get in line for the Notre Dame job now; otherwise they'll be hanging out with Weis in the unemployment line.

The Curse of the Phil-y Bolt

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 3
(Originally posted December 11, 2008)

There is a sole fact about sports that is completely true, yet will never be proven by scientists because of their bigotry towards athletic people: The curse that a bitter man places on a sports team truly works. Boston can safely blame 86 years of misery on Babe Ruth. The Chicago Cubs have been unable to win it all since ejecting both a man and his billy goat from a 1945 World Series game, apparently insulting the animal. And of course, who can forget the curse that all of Pottsville, Pennsylvania placed on the Cardinals football franchise when the Pottsville Maroons organization was controversially suspended in 1925, resulting in the second place Cardinals becoming NFL champions. Though "the Curse of the Pottsville Pennsylvanians" doesn't have the fame of "Curse of the Bambino" or "Curse of the Billy Goat," you can't argue with the fact that the Arizona Cardinals are one of only two NFL teams that have never gone to a conference championship game (the other being the six-year-old Houston Texan franchise.) Curses from pathetically humiliated men work.

After the 2006 AFC Divisional Playoff game, when Philip Rivers screamed at Ellis Hobbs; "You're acting like the sorriest corner in the league," Patriots Nation as a whole chuckled. Why would they think anything of it? The New England defense had just embarrassed the Super Bowl-favorite San Diego Chargers, and a "healthy debate" about dance moves began between the players, with many tempers flaring. Yes, Patriots fans laughed then, but it is not the victor who laughs last, as many seem to think. No, it is the man who holds the hex who laughs much later than the victor, as today, Ellis Hobbs actually IS the sorriest cornerback in the league. On that day, fans everywhere bore witness to a live cursing of Ellis Hobbs that has since infected the rest of the Patriots secondary.

New England defenses have defined the Bill Belichick era. In the 2001 Super Bowl against the Rams, the underdog Patriots held the Greatest Show on Turf to 17 points, in spite of 427 total yards by the Mike Martz offense. "Defense Wins Championships" has been heralded ever since. Every year, despite injuries, Bill Belichick would find a way to have an all-star defense. He signed an undrafted rookie who hadn't played his last year in college. He put a veteran wide receiver in at cornerback. And the D rarely wavered. And then last week, New England let Seneca "My mother doesn't even know who I am" Wallace throw for 3 touchdowns against them. Several weeks ago, Brett Favre completed a 3rd and 17 in overtime, which he threw well short of the first down mark, and yet they went on to win the game. New England currently ranks a very mediocre 16th in overall defense (keeping in mind it has ranked in the top 10 for four out of the last five seasons.)

With the curse of Philip Rivers came a strange trade off. We had spent years with no-name, underachieving wide receivers getting us by, while our star defensive backs kept opposing offenses in check. David Givens, Reche Caldwell, and Tim Dwight aren't names that keep defensive coordinators up at night, but the Patriots won games with so-so wide-outs that didn't need to blow away defenses, just get by. Then in one fell swoop, Poppa Belichick bought a brand new offense, grabbing Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth last season.

And our defensive backs? Well starting this season, they all seemed to remind fans of the old wide-outs. Rodney Harrison was analogous to old reliable Troy Brown; beloved, invaluable, but inevitably wear and tear catches up. Deltha O'Neal is the new Reche Caldwell – once a hyped starter, left out to dry in free agency, only to be picked up by the Patriots...who then realize why these players were easy to get in the first place. Asante Samuel was Deion Branch – the only truly solid option, but ultimately, both had agents who knew they could get better pay for their overrated talents elsewhere. And Ellis Hobbs? He's body-swapped for Chad Jackson. You remember the thrill when the Patriots drafted the first wide-out of the 2006 Draft. That was Jackson's first and last thrill he ever gave New England fans. Hobbs, a first day draft pick, standing at an intimidating 5'9", who is supposed to be the Pats' number one corner, is the 53rd leading tackler for a defensive back in the league.

Clearly, the voodoo magic that Philip Rivers learned at NC State has doomed the Patriots secondary, and there is nothing else to blame. At all. Maybe a little blame could go to the fact that we let go of pretty good defensive backs like Asante Samuel and Randall Gay, not wanting to pay the bill. Maybe. And sure, MAYBE when you look at the draft classes between 2000 and 2006, which make up a major core of key Patriots players over the Belichick era (i.e. Tom Brady, Richard Seymour, Matt Light, Deion Branch, Jarvis Green, Ty Warren, Dan Koppen, Vince Wilfork, Ben Watson, Logan Mankins, Matt Cassel, Laurence Maroney, and Stephen Gostkowski, to name a few), the retention rate of defensive backs is questionable. Of the 12 defensive backs the Pats drafted in that time, only 2 remain.

Maybe management could open up its wallet when it's called for. Maybe they could draft smarter. But much more likely, it's a curse. Philip Rivers may have no control of his own team's destiny (as the Chargers can at best finish 8-8 this season in the weakest division in football), but man is he affecting the Patriots.

After all, at the end of every season, 31 teams each need to blame someone, and with the Red Sox breaking Bambino and the Celtics putting Len Bias to rest, New England fans might just have to start analyzing actual problems with their sports teams if there aren't any new witches to burn.

Shooting Yourself in the Leg Figuratively, Literally, and in True Pinhead Fashion.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode Two
(Originally posted December 3rd, 2008)

Pinheads. That is undoubtedly the only thing worth discussing this week in the NFL. Not even a horrid Patriots defense tops pinheads this week.

On Sunday, Fox showed clips from a rather flattering interview with New York Giants wide-out Plaxico Burress. Burress told Pam Oliver that his immaturity is "what makes Plaxico, Plaxico." Yes, you could really hear the Giants star receiver echoing the great philosophical minds of the 20th century as he looked deep into his complex soul, and realized his self-identity completely relied on skipping practices without telling his coaches. Because he felt like it.

Please. It wasn't cute when Manny was "being Manny," and Plaxico made ugly a whole lot uglier when "being Plaxico" consisted of shooting himself in the leg in a nightclub.

If you got a $35 million contract extension to play Monopoly, with a simple stipulation to not be an idiot, I would hope you would tuck yourself in at 8 P.M. sharp every night after a repeat of "Two and a Half Men," just to ensure you don't screw it all up. But Burress wasn't even being paid millions to play a boring game that takes way too long to end. He's playing one of the best games of all. A game he's great at. Every living person plays games, and he's lucky enough to get PAID MILLIONS to do something actually enjoyable. Now, he's probably destined for jail.

Ricky Williams. Pacman Jones. Maybe you've heard of Michael Vick? These aren't just football players, they are GREAT football players. Or at least, they all could have been if they spent more time on the field than they did smoking bowls, paralyzing bouncers, and killing dogs.

Ignoring what these decisions do to their own personal futures, what do fans have to look forward to for a franchise when a player gets into legal trouble? Let's recall a running back named Jamal Lewis. In 2003, Lewis rushed for 2,066 yards on the season with 14 touchdowns, some of it while injured. He fell just 39 yards short of the best rushing season of all time. He's in good company, with only Eric Dickerson, Terrell Davis, Barry Sanders, and O.J. Simpson having rushed for over 2,000 yards. (Wait, O.J.? Oh God, I can't even go there. I don't have enough time in the day. But oh...so tempting. Continuing with Jamal…)

Coming off this amazing season, Jamal Lewis ended up on the wrong side of a deal involving 5 kilos of cocaine. How did 4 months of jail affect Jamal's numbers? His average yards per attempt dropped one full yard the next season – from 5.3 to 4.3, resulting in a much more humble season. He missed 4 games to suspension, and while that is only one fourth of a season, his numbers halved; 1,006 yards on the season, and 7 TD's. The season after, he missed only one game, yet he dropped to 3.4 yards per attempt, didn't break 1,000 yards on the season, and was limited to a total of 3 touchdowns. Jamal's still plugging away, but this obvious decline came after just 4 months in jail with a 4 game suspension.

By the end of his sentence, Michael Vick will have spent 23 months in a jail where he spends his time washing pots and pans for 12 cents per hour. Plaxico Burress looks to be measuring the drapes for his new cell. Ricky Williams didn't spend time in the big house, but the Canadian Football League isn't much better. If Jamal Lewis is any indication, your All-Pro seasons are wasted when you're away from the game, assuming you can even get back in the league (which Pacman Jones is bordering on.) Vick and Williams can attest that those millions don't last very long, as Ricky was forced to return to the game he retired from, and Michael pulled a Lehman Brothers by filing for bankruptcy.

So if you ever end up playing in the NFL: The next time you want to enjoy a glass of wine while playing with your handgun in a night club, you can console yourself that you are not the first moron in the history of the Earth to blow away millions of dollars and one of the best jobs in the world. Sadly, that's about all you can console yourself with.

Plax, say "Hi" to O.J. for me.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 1

(Originally posted November 25th, 2008)

We all stood there on the bow of the ship, the cool air giving us the same calm that the boat always seemed to provide as we gently coasted through calm waters. Ah, regular season games, a piece of cake. But a hidden iceberg struck, and as Tom Brady fell to the ground in Week 1, the S.S. Pursuit of Perfection sank to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. As we raced for the lifeboats, Bill Belichick pointed to the only two that remained. The sturdiness of one lifeboat spoke to us, clearly signifying that all hope for the season was lost, so let's just pack in and wait to be rescued next season. The second lifeboat was rickety, but it had the slim chance that Belichick would work his magic again, and Matt Cassel would save us sooner rather than later. Here we are with just weeks left in the season, and which lifeboat stands the best chance of rescue?

From our first boat, the view of rescue is still grim. The Patriots offense is clearly not what it was last year, as Matt has only 10 TD's with just 5 games to go. New England ranks 11th in the NFL for yards per game, an obvious decline from last season. Randy Moss resembles the old lady standing on the bow of that doomed ship, telling Tom, "I'll never let go," but still tossing the necklace into the ocean at the end, as he's giving up on routes like he's back in a Raiders uniform.

But hope is not lost on the second lifeboat. Cassel's completion percentage is 8th in the league. He ranks in the top 10 in passing yards, has an 87.3 QB rating, and…oh yeah, the Patriots have a winning record without Tom Brady at the helm for the first time since December 12th, 1999, when we were 7 – 6 under Drew Bledsoe (We ended that season 8 – 8 after a 6 -2 start, if you're wondering.)

By comparison, Brady ended his mythic 2001 season 4th in the league for completion percentage, 22nd in total passing yards, had an 86.5 QB rating, and a total of 18 touchdowns. The league was led in all those categories by Kurt Warner that year, and because the football gods love sweet irony, Kurt Warner leads in all those categories this season as well.

Looking at those stats (and the rather ominous rebirth of Kurt Warner like a Phoenix from the ashes), this could well be another glorious zero to hero story for Bill Belichick, as Cassel is on pace to repeat Brady's stats for 2001, even beat a few of them handily. As a bonus, one stat line where Cassel dominates a younger Brady is how Matt is 2nd only to David Garrard in scrambling yards this season.

As I sat in Gillette Stadium last Thursday night, watching the iceberg drift into the distance, I had to wonder, "Which life-boat would people pick today?" Is hope still lost on the season? Before Tom Brady, a performance of 400 passing yards, 63 rushing yards, and 3 touchdowns in one game would inspire hope into any Patriots fan (considering that is the first time a quarterback has ever done that since the AFL-NFL merger.) But New England fans have short memories, and Matt's impressive handling of New York's defense seemed to just lack something for us. What was it he lacked? Probably the number 12 on the back of his jersey.

There are plenty of fans on both lifeboats that only remember the S. S. Pursuit of Perfection, forgetting the decades many spent on the S.S. Meandering around Mediocrity. Matt Cassel is a perfect answer to the every problem the Patriots had at quarterback before 2001. Unfortunately for Matt, the AFC East isn't what it used to be. Let's hope he can tread water long enough for the Patriots to beat the Colts to a Wild Card spot. That's right, I just said that.