Shooting Yourself in the Leg Figuratively, Literally, and in True Pinhead Fashion.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode Two
(Originally posted December 3rd, 2008)

Pinheads. That is undoubtedly the only thing worth discussing this week in the NFL. Not even a horrid Patriots defense tops pinheads this week.

On Sunday, Fox showed clips from a rather flattering interview with New York Giants wide-out Plaxico Burress. Burress told Pam Oliver that his immaturity is "what makes Plaxico, Plaxico." Yes, you could really hear the Giants star receiver echoing the great philosophical minds of the 20th century as he looked deep into his complex soul, and realized his self-identity completely relied on skipping practices without telling his coaches. Because he felt like it.

Please. It wasn't cute when Manny was "being Manny," and Plaxico made ugly a whole lot uglier when "being Plaxico" consisted of shooting himself in the leg in a nightclub.

If you got a $35 million contract extension to play Monopoly, with a simple stipulation to not be an idiot, I would hope you would tuck yourself in at 8 P.M. sharp every night after a repeat of "Two and a Half Men," just to ensure you don't screw it all up. But Burress wasn't even being paid millions to play a boring game that takes way too long to end. He's playing one of the best games of all. A game he's great at. Every living person plays games, and he's lucky enough to get PAID MILLIONS to do something actually enjoyable. Now, he's probably destined for jail.

Ricky Williams. Pacman Jones. Maybe you've heard of Michael Vick? These aren't just football players, they are GREAT football players. Or at least, they all could have been if they spent more time on the field than they did smoking bowls, paralyzing bouncers, and killing dogs.

Ignoring what these decisions do to their own personal futures, what do fans have to look forward to for a franchise when a player gets into legal trouble? Let's recall a running back named Jamal Lewis. In 2003, Lewis rushed for 2,066 yards on the season with 14 touchdowns, some of it while injured. He fell just 39 yards short of the best rushing season of all time. He's in good company, with only Eric Dickerson, Terrell Davis, Barry Sanders, and O.J. Simpson having rushed for over 2,000 yards. (Wait, O.J.? Oh God, I can't even go there. I don't have enough time in the day. But oh...so tempting. Continuing with Jamal…)

Coming off this amazing season, Jamal Lewis ended up on the wrong side of a deal involving 5 kilos of cocaine. How did 4 months of jail affect Jamal's numbers? His average yards per attempt dropped one full yard the next season – from 5.3 to 4.3, resulting in a much more humble season. He missed 4 games to suspension, and while that is only one fourth of a season, his numbers halved; 1,006 yards on the season, and 7 TD's. The season after, he missed only one game, yet he dropped to 3.4 yards per attempt, didn't break 1,000 yards on the season, and was limited to a total of 3 touchdowns. Jamal's still plugging away, but this obvious decline came after just 4 months in jail with a 4 game suspension.

By the end of his sentence, Michael Vick will have spent 23 months in a jail where he spends his time washing pots and pans for 12 cents per hour. Plaxico Burress looks to be measuring the drapes for his new cell. Ricky Williams didn't spend time in the big house, but the Canadian Football League isn't much better. If Jamal Lewis is any indication, your All-Pro seasons are wasted when you're away from the game, assuming you can even get back in the league (which Pacman Jones is bordering on.) Vick and Williams can attest that those millions don't last very long, as Ricky was forced to return to the game he retired from, and Michael pulled a Lehman Brothers by filing for bankruptcy.

So if you ever end up playing in the NFL: The next time you want to enjoy a glass of wine while playing with your handgun in a night club, you can console yourself that you are not the first moron in the history of the Earth to blow away millions of dollars and one of the best jobs in the world. Sadly, that's about all you can console yourself with.

Plax, say "Hi" to O.J. for me.