Being Paid Money To Have More Points Than The Other Guy. Sometimes.

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 4
(Originally posted December 18, 2008)

The Arena Football League has suspended its 2009 season. Football fans should care about as much as they care about the release date of the next installment in the scintillating "NFL Head Coach" video game franchise. So while that announcement takes up entire articles on ESPN, it warrants only one sentence in this column. This week, the Head Coach game is almost more relevant.

Resumes are being updated. Approval ratings are at record lows worse than George Bush's, the only difference is that if an Iraqi reporter hurled his shoes at Romeo Crennel, he would probably be the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns the next week.

Last week on the Gang Green, Dave touched on how fluid coaching jobs are throughout sports, and with the exception of the playoffs, that's exactly what the big topic is for the NFL now. If there is any one lesson that pro sports teaches, it's that when things are going horribly wrong, fire somebody so it looks like it was all their fault. And right now, it's that point in the season where announcers use the words "Hot" and "Seat" a lot when head coaches names are in play. So which coaches are deserving of patience, and which are wastes of time? And what dictates a "safe" job? It seems like each year, losing franchises and playoff teams alike are abound with rumors.

Bill Belichick's seat is ice cold. Though he's only been sitting since 2000, it makes him the longest tenured Patriots coach in history. He has the most wins (91, in second is Mike Holovak with 52), and highest winning percentage (.771, with a surprising second place of Pete Carroll at .562), as well as the most play-off games won (14, nearly 5 times the next nearest). In retrospect, it's easy to see how great of an asset Belichick has been. But Robert Kraft showed true trust and patience in the Belichick system, as Kraft gave the job to a coach with a 36-44 record in Cleveland over 5 seasons, and stuck with Bill through his lackluster first season with the Patriots.

While that trust and patience paid off for Billy, it hasn't been handed down to his protégés. After a "Coach of the Year" performance last year, Romeo Crennel is as good as gone in Cleveland. Eric Mangini reportedly may be out of New York, even if the Jets still make the playoffs. And Charlie Weis at Notre Dame? The Catholic clergy in South Bend, Indiana have most likely already condemned him to the worst layers of Hell. Coaching football is a fickle business, and your likelihood of employment is week to week.

Trust pays off for some franchises, sure. But there are a few coaches in the NFL worth debating if they can pay off. This week's prime candidate for a pink slip is Dick Jauron in Buffalo. With an upset of the New York Jets easily in hand, he had the dumbest quarterback in the world roll out on a play action pass, fumbling the ball for a touchdown in the other direction, classic J.P. Losman. While some teams fire coaches mid-season, Buffalo had such faith in their coach that they actually decided to give a three-year contract extension to Jauron back when the Bills were 5-2, and favorites to win the AFC East. Jauron thanked management for their generosity by going 1-7 since signing that new contract. Apparently even coaches perform better in contract years.

Jauron may only keep his job because Buffalo would be too embarrassed to fire him, but why is Marvin Lewis' job apparently safe in Cincinnati? The Bengals are 2-11-1. Granted, patience pays off in the cases of some coaches, but they typically have a good plan for a team. Lewis' plan is apparently to start drafting from federal prisons instead of Division I colleges. And as if this season wasn't miserable enough, since 2003 when Lewis took over, the Bengals have only gone ONE season winning more than 50% of their games. (Or, for those of you working with the Chad Johnson numerical system; UNO season winning more than CINCO-CERO PERCENTO).

Kansas City is going to need some wooden stakes to fire their coach, because Herm Edwards is a vampire. He takes over veteran teams from great coaches like Bill Parcells and Dick Vermeil, sucks all the wins out of them, gets most of their stars injured, and gets paid for all of it. Dear Chiefs: I can easily drive a team into the ground for you too, but you won't have to trade a 4th round draft pick to get me (which the Jets used to get Leon Washington, so thanks a lot Kansas City).

Some other quick coaching notes: No one talks as much about Jack Del Rio, but that man should be canned. The Jaguars are a mess this season having let their defensive coordinator go so he could completely turn around Atlanta, exposing Del Rio as a total fraud.

Mike Singeltary is the best interim head coach, and should be applauded for actually having the sack to tell Mike Martz who the real 49ers coach is.

The Packers are the best 5-9 team in NFL history, and while McCarthy may be inaugurating Aaron Rodgers to a great career, life lessons dictate that someone has to get fired when seasons fall apart.

The combined salaries of every single member of the Detroit Lions organization would be better served as a bailout for the auto industry. If you can't win one game, you shouldn't get a paycheck. If he doesn't get one win, Rod Marinelli will be the most fired coach in the history. So fired that correct grammar does not apply when speaking about him.

Yet what comfort can any of these coaches have that winning can save them? Last season, there was talk of Tom Coughlin being fired in New York during every broadcast of a Giants game. Including the playoffs. It wasn't until they were in the Super Bowl that it seemed like anyone was even fathoming that Coughlin MIGHT be keeping his job. It was so commonplace for his job to be at stake that I thought the painfully angry and impatient look on Coughlin's face had something to do with a constantly oncoming lay-off. This year I learned he's just a very unfortunate looking man.

In all of these franchises, perhaps it all just comes down to ownership. There are patient owners, and some that wants to put in the orders for Super Bowl rings ASAP. Robert Kraft was willing to let Bill Belichick, a failure in Cleveland, take his time and mold the Patriots into a dynasty. Bi-polar Jerry Jones will fire good coaches who have winning seasons, and hire someone with the exact opposite coaching style, hoping it results in a Super Bowl within two years. Al Davis is secretly Mum-Ra from the Thundercats, with an evil plot to drive Oakland fans insane by hiring and firing anything that moves. That is, if Oakland fans can be any more insane than they already are.

Coaches will often take whatever open job comes along, but maybe holding out for that patient owner is in their best interest. Jeff Fisher has had a few poor seasons for the Oilers/Titans franchise, but is looking good this season. Bill Cowher lost in nine different postseasons before winning Super Bowl XL, and now he's the most in-demand coach there is. But Marty Schottenheimer didn't get quite the same exit from the Chargers organization, after posting a 14-2 regular season record, they let him go for losing in his 13th postseason (basically, he's the A-Rod of coaching).

Owners will hopefully give some guys a chance this season, but as for ones like Crennel, Edwards and Marinelli, well, the Arena Football League is always hiring.

Oh, wait. IT ISN'T. Maybe the three of them should try to get in line for the Notre Dame job now; otherwise they'll be hanging out with Weis in the unemployment line.