The Curse of the Phil-y Bolt

Pinheads or Patriots? Episode 3
(Originally posted December 11, 2008)

There is a sole fact about sports that is completely true, yet will never be proven by scientists because of their bigotry towards athletic people: The curse that a bitter man places on a sports team truly works. Boston can safely blame 86 years of misery on Babe Ruth. The Chicago Cubs have been unable to win it all since ejecting both a man and his billy goat from a 1945 World Series game, apparently insulting the animal. And of course, who can forget the curse that all of Pottsville, Pennsylvania placed on the Cardinals football franchise when the Pottsville Maroons organization was controversially suspended in 1925, resulting in the second place Cardinals becoming NFL champions. Though "the Curse of the Pottsville Pennsylvanians" doesn't have the fame of "Curse of the Bambino" or "Curse of the Billy Goat," you can't argue with the fact that the Arizona Cardinals are one of only two NFL teams that have never gone to a conference championship game (the other being the six-year-old Houston Texan franchise.) Curses from pathetically humiliated men work.

After the 2006 AFC Divisional Playoff game, when Philip Rivers screamed at Ellis Hobbs; "You're acting like the sorriest corner in the league," Patriots Nation as a whole chuckled. Why would they think anything of it? The New England defense had just embarrassed the Super Bowl-favorite San Diego Chargers, and a "healthy debate" about dance moves began between the players, with many tempers flaring. Yes, Patriots fans laughed then, but it is not the victor who laughs last, as many seem to think. No, it is the man who holds the hex who laughs much later than the victor, as today, Ellis Hobbs actually IS the sorriest cornerback in the league. On that day, fans everywhere bore witness to a live cursing of Ellis Hobbs that has since infected the rest of the Patriots secondary.

New England defenses have defined the Bill Belichick era. In the 2001 Super Bowl against the Rams, the underdog Patriots held the Greatest Show on Turf to 17 points, in spite of 427 total yards by the Mike Martz offense. "Defense Wins Championships" has been heralded ever since. Every year, despite injuries, Bill Belichick would find a way to have an all-star defense. He signed an undrafted rookie who hadn't played his last year in college. He put a veteran wide receiver in at cornerback. And the D rarely wavered. And then last week, New England let Seneca "My mother doesn't even know who I am" Wallace throw for 3 touchdowns against them. Several weeks ago, Brett Favre completed a 3rd and 17 in overtime, which he threw well short of the first down mark, and yet they went on to win the game. New England currently ranks a very mediocre 16th in overall defense (keeping in mind it has ranked in the top 10 for four out of the last five seasons.)

With the curse of Philip Rivers came a strange trade off. We had spent years with no-name, underachieving wide receivers getting us by, while our star defensive backs kept opposing offenses in check. David Givens, Reche Caldwell, and Tim Dwight aren't names that keep defensive coordinators up at night, but the Patriots won games with so-so wide-outs that didn't need to blow away defenses, just get by. Then in one fell swoop, Poppa Belichick bought a brand new offense, grabbing Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth last season.

And our defensive backs? Well starting this season, they all seemed to remind fans of the old wide-outs. Rodney Harrison was analogous to old reliable Troy Brown; beloved, invaluable, but inevitably wear and tear catches up. Deltha O'Neal is the new Reche Caldwell – once a hyped starter, left out to dry in free agency, only to be picked up by the Patriots...who then realize why these players were easy to get in the first place. Asante Samuel was Deion Branch – the only truly solid option, but ultimately, both had agents who knew they could get better pay for their overrated talents elsewhere. And Ellis Hobbs? He's body-swapped for Chad Jackson. You remember the thrill when the Patriots drafted the first wide-out of the 2006 Draft. That was Jackson's first and last thrill he ever gave New England fans. Hobbs, a first day draft pick, standing at an intimidating 5'9", who is supposed to be the Pats' number one corner, is the 53rd leading tackler for a defensive back in the league.

Clearly, the voodoo magic that Philip Rivers learned at NC State has doomed the Patriots secondary, and there is nothing else to blame. At all. Maybe a little blame could go to the fact that we let go of pretty good defensive backs like Asante Samuel and Randall Gay, not wanting to pay the bill. Maybe. And sure, MAYBE when you look at the draft classes between 2000 and 2006, which make up a major core of key Patriots players over the Belichick era (i.e. Tom Brady, Richard Seymour, Matt Light, Deion Branch, Jarvis Green, Ty Warren, Dan Koppen, Vince Wilfork, Ben Watson, Logan Mankins, Matt Cassel, Laurence Maroney, and Stephen Gostkowski, to name a few), the retention rate of defensive backs is questionable. Of the 12 defensive backs the Pats drafted in that time, only 2 remain.

Maybe management could open up its wallet when it's called for. Maybe they could draft smarter. But much more likely, it's a curse. Philip Rivers may have no control of his own team's destiny (as the Chargers can at best finish 8-8 this season in the weakest division in football), but man is he affecting the Patriots.

After all, at the end of every season, 31 teams each need to blame someone, and with the Red Sox breaking Bambino and the Celtics putting Len Bias to rest, New England fans might just have to start analyzing actual problems with their sports teams if there aren't any new witches to burn.